Willick and the hubbub of the universe
Another tale from Flotta by David Sinclair

Although the opening hours of the shop and post office are prominently displayed in the window, some people persist in shopping outwith these hours. Short-sightedness, forgetfulness, slow watches, icy roads and even illiteracy have all been given as excuses for turning up after hours but we have one customer who never apologises for being late. Whether from pressure of work or from sheer contrariness, Willick o' Pirliebraes does his shopping during the hours that suit him.

Thursday being early closing day in Flotta, I was dozing in my little office after a heavy lunch when a thunderous knocking interrupted my reverie. "Coming," I called, leaping from my chair and stumbling towards the shop door.

"Are thoo sleepin in there, or whit?" Willick o' Pirliebraes roared. "This door's locked."

"Of course it is." I opened the door and let him in. "The shop door's normally locked on a Thursday afternoon. It's our halfday."

"Halfday," Willick exclaimed. "Whit dis thoo want a halfday for? Wae the few fock that's left in Flotta noo thoo should be gled o' aell the trade thoo can get an no close for halfdays."

"I close on Thursday afternoons so that I can check my stock and see what goods I need before I go across to the wholesalers on Friday. Besides, according to Post Office Counters, Thursday is our official halfday." I went behind the shop counter and waited while Willick upended a couple of Crantit's milk crates and interlocked them to make a reasonably comfortable seat.

Aboot the hub

He sat down, folded his arms, and said, "Ah'm jist been spikkin tae Sid an I think hid's time wae wirked oot wir strategy."

"Strategy?" I asked, "What strategy?"

"Aboot the hub, beuy."

"What hub? The hub on that dodgy trailer wheel of yours or the hub around which our great universe revolves?"

"No, thoo gappis, the container hub. Although, if wae git hid here, wae mightna be the hub o' the universe bit wae'll be the hub o' northern Europe."

Understanding dawned, and I knew that Willick was referring to the recently published Napier feasibility study into the concept of a container trans-shipment port in Scapa Flow.

"I'm sorry," I said. "But you've lost me. Why should we work out our strategy for a container hub which has nothing whatsoever to do with us here on Flotta?"

"Bit hid his iverything tae deu wae hiz on Flotta."

"How come?"

"Because if wae dinna git in first wae wir plans, hid'll mibbe no come tae Flotta."

"Don't be daft," I laughed. "Whatever gave you the idea that anyone would consider siting the trans-shipment port on Flotta?"

"Because thir's only twathree peeces in the Flow wae enough water for this container port an Flotta's wan o' them."

"And where are the others?"

"Weel, Ah'm been lookin at a chart o' the Flow an, as far as I can mak oot, the only peeces wae enough water tae hannle the normous container ships is Flotta, Hoxa, Hunda, an mibbe Cava."

"Ah, in that case, Cava will be the container port."

"Hoo the mischief dis thoo mak that oot?"

Hid wisna safe

"Because Hoxa is part of the Mainland when the wind's blowing from the right direction, and Hunda's part of the Mainland when both wind and tide's suitable, but Cava has no connection with the Mainland whatsoever."

"An whit aboot Flotta?"

"Flotta doesn't enter into the equation because, although it's not part of the Mainland and it does have a suitable depth of water close inshore, the amount of tanker traffic rules it out."

"Hing on a meenit, beuy, because Ah'm no exactly followin thee. Whit thoo're sayin is that this container port's no gaan tae any peece that's pairt o' the Mainlan."

"That's right," I nodded. "Think back 28 years to when Oxy was looking for a site for their oil terminal. They wanted it to be on the Mainland but the Orkney County Council decreed that it should go to Flotta for two reasons."

"Weel, wae aell ken the main reason for the cooncil wantin hid on Flotta an that wis because they thowt hid wisna safe. They thowt than that the whole jingbang might blow up someday an that's why they didna pit hid tae Carness." Willick paused, and went on, "Mind ye, mibbe the owld Coonty Cooncil wisna so far aff o' the mark."

I held up a finger at Willick, and said reprovingly, "Come, come. Have faith in all the reassurances you've been given about safety at our 25-year-old terminal. The fact that practically all the workers who were paid off last year are obviously delighted to be re-employed again shows that they have no concerns about health and safety. They might have a problem with buying a daily paper on the terminal if they're not classed as a core worker or of sharpening a pencil if their name's not on the knife register, but they all leave Flotta at night secure in the knowledge that the terminal will be there in the morning when they return."

Boozed-up bears

"I jist hopp they dinna git a begunk," Willick said with some feeling. "Because if the terminal's no there in the mornin, I widna gae muckle for wir chances o' seein the light o' a new day ither."

"It's being so cheerful as keeps us going," I laughed.

"Aye," Willick sighed, and then frowned. "Bit wait a meenit. Thoo said thir wis two raesons for the oil terminal comin tae Flotta. Whit wis the ither een?"

"Fairly obvious, I would have thought. During construction of the terminal there were upwards of 1,500 men employed here and all were on astronomical wages compared with the rest of the workers in Orkney. So, if the terminal had been sited on the Mainland, imagine what life in Kirkwall and Stromness would have been like at night with a 1,000 over-paid, boozed-up bears on the rampage. That's why it was decided to isolate them on Flotta where they couldn't get into too much trouble. There were no pubs or dance halls on the island and there couldn't be any camp followers here because there was no accommodation for them."

"Beuy, Davick, I niver thowt aboot hid lik that afore, bit thoo could be right." Willick unfolded his arms and leaned forward. He thought for a moment, and stated, "Thir wis a dance haal here, though."

"Yes," I agreed. "There was the old corrugated iron hut which could hold 200 people if they kept their arms down by their sides."

"Ah'll hiv nothin said against the owld haal, beuy. Wae hid many a good night there."

"I quite agree, but it wasn't exactly the Casablanca was it?"

"Mibbe no, bit wae hid dances an concerts there although thir wis a thoosan men in the camps at the North Side."

"Only because we didn't advertise these functions and passed the word around to blokes we could trust to behave themselves. Even then, some miscreants got through the net."

"Aye, thir wis wan or two good fights in the owld haal."

Alcatraz

Willick grinned, and asked, "Dis thoo mind yin filla that wae threw oot for fightin an he said that the next time he cam bak he wid hiv a razor wae him. He didna think hid wis very funny whin I telled him that wae hid no sockets for electric razors in the haal."

"I remember the occasion well and I didn't find your remark particularly amusing either. Fortunately, that guy got paid off the next day."

"An whit aboot the wan-legged man that started tae fight wae someen."

"Yes, you could say that the old hall was a place of equal opportunities."

"Spikkin o' equal opportunities, whit wey dis thoo mak oot that thir's a better chance o' the container port bein at Cava raither or Flotta? Thoo said thae wid be ower muckle tanker traffic here, bit hid'll be gittin less bae the time the container ships are comin. An anywey, thir's nothin on Cava. Thir's no fock, no pier, no roads, an only twathree hooses, that's in ruins. Hoo could they think o' pittin twa thoosan men there tae build a container terminal? Hid wid be lik pittin them tae Alcatraz."

"There's a familiar ring to that because I've heard Flotta likened to Alcatraz many times during the last quarter of a century. However, it never deterred people from coming here to earn good money and I'm sure they would go to Cava for the same reason."

"So thoo thinks Cava will definitely be the container port."

"My final answer."

"I kinna tak this in, beuy. Efter the terminal's built, thir's gaan tae be hunders o' fock runnin hid so whar are they gaan tae bide? Thir's no enough room on Cava tae build hooses for aell yin fock an whar wid want tae bide there anywey?"

Inside information

"Let me tell you what's going to happen. During construction of the wharfage and warehouses on Cava, the 2,500 workers will stay on camps on the island or commute from Houton in launches as the Flotta workers did. In tandem with construction of the port facilities, however, a causeway will be built to link Cava with the Mainland. Does that answer your questions?"

Willick slapped his knee, and said, "I ken exackly whit thoo're gittin at. That wid mean that whin the job wis done and aell the construction wirkers left, the fock that'll actually be hannlin the containers can live on the Mainlan and drive tae thir wark on Cava."

"It makes sense, doesn't it?"

"Hid dis so, bit tell me this. Whit wey dis thoo hiv aell this inside information? Is hid becase thoo're a community cooncilor?"

"Let's just say that I have friends in high places," I whispered, and put a forefinger to the side of my nose.

"Dis thoo mean Jim Wallace?" Willick asked. "Ah'm seen him gaan doon tae thee whin nobody turned up tae his meetins at the Community Centre."

"I haven't spoken to Jim Wallace since he became Number Two in the Scottish Parliament, er, sorry, I mean Scottish Executive."

"So thoo his hid on good authority that the hub's tae be on Cava?"

Deciding that the joke had gone far enough, I laughed and said, "I haven't the faintest idea where the container port will be sited. It looks as if the OIC are hopeful that it will be in Scapa Flow but, for all I know, they could be planning to extend the Scapa Pier for 800 metres."

"Thoo great gomeril," Willick yelled, leaping off his seat. "Dis thoo mean tae tell me that thoo kens no more aboot this hub or whit I deu?"

"Not a clue," I answered, holding up my hands in mock surrender. "I only know what I've read in the newspapers."

A serious maitter

Willick came up to the counter and snarled, "Beuy, thoo're more o' a hindrance or a help. I cam doon here the day thinkin that, bein a community cooncilor, thoo might hiv some insight intae whit's gaan tae tak place an instead I finn that I wid gotten more sense oot o' yin gnome in thee gairden."

"If that was the one who looked like Robin Cook, I know what you mean."

"This is a serious maitter an hid's no time for jokin." Willick leaned over the counter and looked me straight in the eye. "If this island's no gaan tae go the wey o' ither islands in Orkney, wae must deu somethin an deu hid quick. If wae can git this container hub tae Flotta, the island's future's assured for iver."

"Sorry, Bill, but I've a feeling of deja-vu. We heard this prediction back in 1974 and we've spent 27 years getting nowhere. Our population is only slightly more than it was then, the school roll is lower, there's no work on the island for school-leavers, and our hope of fielding a football team in the Parish Cup competition never materialised. All that those years have done is make me more cynical, I'm afraid."

"Dinna be lik yin, beuy. Thoo should be positive lik me."

"Positive like you," I laughed. "That's rich, coming from someone who continually criticises our two tiers of government, the local authority, the community council, and even old schoolmates like myself."

"If I criticise thee, beuy, hid's for thee own good. Thoo're gittin ower whit's the wird Ah'm lookin for? Com-com complacent that's whit thoo're gittin in thee owld age. Thir's no fight in thee noo. Think back tae the days o' the Flotta Freedom Fighters, beuy, whin wae wis a force tae be reckoned wae. Look at the time wae cost Oxy hunders o' thoosans o' pound whin wae held up thir Phase Two until they mended wir roads an gaed hiz ither concessions."

Vested interest

"I'm not quite sure what bearing this has on attempting to get the trans-shipment port sited on Flotta. If the Halifax operators hear that there's a bunch of militants on the island, they probably will go to Cava."

"Ah'm no sayin that wae should be militant as far as the operators go, bit wae should try an persuade them that Flotta's the best peece for the port."

"And how do you propose to do that?"

"Weel, the port wid hiv tae be on the aest side o' the island for that's whar the deepest watter is. So I think that aell o' hiz wae grunn on the aest side should hiv a meetin, agree on hoo muckle wae want for wir grunn, an start negotiations wae the Halifax company."

"Hang on a minute," I said, when I realised that Willick had a vested interest in the project. "How do you know that all the landowners would be willing to sell out to the port operators?"

"Because ivery man hiz his price," Willick asserted.

"And supposing the offering price doesn't come up to the seller's expectations?"

"Than the Cooncil'll slap on a Compulsory Purchase Order an buy the grunn thimsels becase thi'll lit nothin stan in the wey o' gittin more millions o' pound in thir Reserve Fund."

"You could be right," I said thoughtfully. "But you've overlooked a couple of things."

"Whit's hid?"

"The OIC might not agree that the east side of Flotta's the best location for the port. Because of the tanker traffic in Hoxa Sound, they'll likely have a preference for a deep-water berth away from the main shipping lane."

"Lik at Yesnaby."

"I shouldn't think so. Even you can't entertain the idea that our elected representatives and mega-qualified officials are that stupid."

"Beuy, Ah'll tell thee somethin aboot wir cooncillors that niver fails tae amaze me. Spik tae any wan o' them on thir own an ye git the impression that he or shae's an ordinary sensible kind o' body. Pit them taegither in the Cooncil chamber though, an thi'll come up wae the daftest notions iver thoo haard tell o'."

"For instance?"

Gistless

"Weel, on the wan hann, they cut back the pensioners' Christmas bonus so that the owld fock widna aet ower muckle an git fat. Noo, on the ither hann, thir gaein three hunder thoosan pound tae the Millstone Centre so that the young fock can exercise an no git fat. An wance Geordie Drever gits his bollin alley up, thi'll gae more money tae the Millstone Centre tae bigg wan in opposition." Willick shook his head sadly. "Beuy, they say that wae only git the govermint wae deserve an I suppose the sam could be said o' local govermint, bit sheurly wae deserve better or this."

"We voted them in."

"Wae didna vott in the officials though, an that's whar a great lock o' the trouble lies. Thir near aell fae sooth an, lik a hantle o' ither fock fae aff, they come up here wae thir fancy ideas an try tae mak Orkney lik the peece they cam fae. Ah'm aelwis said that if they got jobs here becase they hid aell this letters efter thir name, whit wey did they hiv tae come so far north tae fin employment. Wir cooncillors kinna see through that though, becase haarly any o' them his letters ahint thir name, so they jist agree wae the officials so that thi'll no appear aeltaegither gistless."

"That's not an issue you should pursue if you're serious about getting the container port to Flotta. You'll find that the people with whom you're dealing in local government, the Local Enterprise Company, and the environmental lobby, could all be ferryloupers."

"Environmental lobby, did thoo say? Whit the mischief dis the fock wae the green rubber buits an knitted coolies hiv tae deu wae hid?"

"You'll find that out if you run foul of them," I warned. "They have a lot of clout and must be handled with kid gloves. You, of all people, must remember how you lost out on the sale of some of your land to the oil company in 1973 when an endangered plant was found on it."

"Aye," Willick sighed. "I mind hid on fine."

I looked at my watch, and said, "I'm afraid that I must go now and get the newspapers off the ro-ro ferry. Was there anything you wanted, apart from my good advice?"

"Are thoo gaan tae the toon for thee goods the morn, beuy?"

"I am, indeed."

Willick grinned maliciously, and before heading for the door said, "In that case, git me twa gallons o' Roundup an a box o' cartridges, will thoo?"